It’s been over a year since Tanith was born, and I still feel like I’ve somehow lost the ability to dance. My moves looks small and fuzzy to me, instead of big and sharp like they should be.
But, instead of whining about it, I’m doubling my dance practice. I dug out my old Fat Chance dvds because I really think I need to work on that ATS-style precision that cabaret often seems to lack (to me, anyway, this is not a slight on cabaret dancers, just that there’s a more powerful feel to ATS and tribal/fusion that I prefer). So, hopefully, I should start seeing some results. Also, all that raised arm work – boy do I need it, I was practically crying by then end of the workout, lol.
One thing that weirds me out is when people (generally men, although not all the time) get that look when I mention that I belly dance. It’s That Look. Yanno, the one where they’re picturing you naked and writhing before them in their personal little sultan fantasy. It’s not even me they’re picturing – just some generic buxom girl with comic-book anatomy. It makes me hate them.
Heh. I’m not actually a hate-filled person, I just talk big.
Anyway, back to my weak spots and how I’m gonna kick them down. Zills. Ugh. I am zill-spastic, but today I played cymbals while hooping. I looked (and sounded) a bit like someone who should be locked away for their own good, but toward the end of the session, I really felt like I was actually making some kind of progress. On both counts. I’m still not getting anywhere with kick-starts in hooping, except for one brief shining moment where my hoop actually went around both feet once. Go me!
One of the things that always upset me is seeing what I actually look like. I’m a short girl with an excess of body fat that tends to sit on my belly. Add to that wide shoulders and big breasts and you have a girl who looks like an anaemic blueberry. Unfortunately, I’m also a girl who loves food – a pizza and beer is my idea of a healthy well-balanced meal. With bd, the worst parts of my body are basically on display (flabby tummy, stupid big breasts) and the best under wraps (uh, nice legs), this makes me feel even uglier than usual, and it adds to me not wanting to do this damn solo (along with feeling like I’ve forgotten how to dance). So I have until June/July to try and gear myself up for this both physically and mentally.
The physical part is something I’m taking in hand with the extra dance sessions, but how to change my mental image of myself? That’s a difficult thing for me. Anyway, I’m interested to see how other men and women deal with body image issues, and especially the things that work for them.