I don’t even know what to call this

Okay so, here’s a post that is not friends-locked.

 

This has been a bad year. And a good one. It has been the year I finally accepted I have a problem with depression (though if anyone reads Beastkeeper and doesn’t pick that up I will rap your knuckles with the Wooden Ruler of Major Side-Eye.)

 

So, things that were done while in the grip of some of the worst lowest periods I have ever had (um…can’t say, but I know that I professionally did some stuff that when I look at now in the cold hard light of medication I’m like wtf why what were you on?) are things I have to deal with now. Despite meds, I’m writing again (the 100 words Not Your Nano thing). For a while, I was pretty convinced I would not be able to write again –  and I WAS OKAY with that, because it was better than writing and wanting to kill myself every day. The Boy even told me he was terrified that he would come home to me dead. So it wasn’t  just me making up drama. I was not well.

 

I’m still not. I have terrible social anxiety that can lead to sleepless nights of borderline panic attacks because I said something stupid. It is ridiculous, I know, but there it is. I’m trying to fix it, but what people see in real life, or online, is not me-me. The real me is shaking and wanting to physically hurt myself over saying “wow, that’s way too many!” to someone who says they have 3 kids when a) I have 2 b) i don’t care how many kids you have if you’re happy so c) WHY did I even say that? (see it’s still bugging me).

 

I still hate my body, I still apologise for not being immediately perfect at everything, I still feel like a failure, but believe it or not, I’m doing better.

 

So, yeah, the point of this: 2015 is almost here, and I’m going to get this social thing under control. I’m going to learn to act like a normal human being and not be a complete tit all the time.

 

And hopefully write some more  books.


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cat_hellisen

I write.

One thought on “I don’t even know what to call this”

  1. “So, yeah, the point of this: 2015 is almost here, and I’m going to get this social thing under control. I’m going to learn to act like a normal human being and not be a complete tit all the time.”

    Remember to take it like the 100 words a day, just a small step at a time. Learning to live with and handle depression and anxiety is also a single day at a time, just small movements toward your goals. In any day if even once you go left when your depression or anxiety want you to go right, that’s a victory for the day – even if you wound up going right several other times that day.

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